I never learned to love my own work without the external recognition of other photographers and awards.

Rewind.

When I started shooting in 2010 there was no awards merry-go-round, there was no workshop industry, there wasn’t a conference speaker circuit, and destination weddings weren’t much of a thing.

Facebook was the only social media really and it was actually social, so that’s where we congregated, in localised Facebook groups mainly. I was in a local one and we actually met up once a month for drinks and to get to know each other.

Blog comments were a massive thing back then too — whenever one of your little network posted a blog everyone would go and actually look at it, and say something nice.

It was lovely, looking back. Very wholesome. Simpler times.

Then the ego game started. And I took part in a big way. In my defence I didn’t know it was an ego game at the time…

I went all in on awards as I’ve talked about before, spending £2000+ a year on memberships and entry fees to keep the ego strokes coming. More money than that if you include paying to be on certain ‘worlds best’ lists or paying people to help me with rising stars entries that ultimately failed!!

I got into destination weddings in 2012 and then pushed to make that a big part of my business, because it added to the reputation I wanted to have.

I jumped on the workshop bandwagon when that kicked off and the other guys asked me to start NineDots with them, because I was too introverted to do workshops by myself, but didn’t want to be left behind in the fame game.

Nobody ever asked me to be a speaker at conferences, but I had my own now with NineDots so it was fine – I was on the fringes of the ‘speaker circuit’, hobnobbing with the ‘famous names’ once a year!

The ego points racked up quickly and it’s addictive, so I felt like I needed more of them.

Then, once awards became saturated and that wasn’t enough to keep you ‘at the top’ any more, the next trends started and you had to judge awards (which I did), get on podcasts (which I did) and try and become an ambassador for a camera brand! I tried hard with Sony, you know I tried so hard, but it just wasn’t to be! I was gutted about that!

It all became about the attention and not the art, although somehow the voracious appetite for attention did make the art better. Well maybe not better, but it definitely meant I was making the kind of stuff that got the attention that I wanted and needed.

It definitely wasn’t wholesome or simple any more! It was competitive and a little bit cut-throat.

It got to the point for me personally where winning even the big name awards was nothing more than a sigh of relief because it left my all important reputation intact which was all that mattered. I could only see that my work was good if it got a winners badge, and if the stuff I was entering didn’t win, then I could only conclude that it must therefore be total crap, or worse have a complete tantrum meltdown.

I could’ve and would’ve carried on with all of that ego point scoring stuff, for the good of being “Adam from NineDots” but when the pandemic hit and I had all that time to think and none of us were making any new work, the whole ego funfair ground to an eerie halt and introspection began.

I had time to reflect and realised that without my own ego being constantly stroked, I felt empty.

I knew something had to change coming out of the other side of 2020.

So in late 2020 after my moment of deep, profound self-reflection I stopped entering awards and left NineDots. I was due to shoot 10 destination weddings in 2020 but all but one either cancelled on me or I cancelled on them (I wasn’t accepting short term destination postponements). I’ve now shot that last one, with no more in the diary.

So I’m not an award winner any more. I’m not a destination wedding photographer right now. I can’t say I teach workshops any more and I’m not “Adam from NineDots”. Nobody wants me to judge or speak, and I’m not associated with any brands as an ambassador.

Identity crisis.

I’m “just” a photographer now. But that was the goal, to strip it all right back.

The trouble is I don’t now how to be just a photographer without someone else constantly confirming that my work is good. So it’s very hard learning to do that for the first time!!

I truly believe, as artists and creatives, we need to accept and love our own work for what it is right now, even if it doesn’t always live up to our expectations.

So, in summary… before I just keep waffling on about this…

I’m not here to ridiculously campaign against awards, workshops, destination weddings, ambassadorships and all that. I stepped back because it all just started to feel a bit toxic for me personally.

I wish I could’ve learned to see it all simply as a game and a bit of fun, or just fuel and content for my marketing.

The trouble was that a bit like cake goes straight to my moobs, all that industry recognition stuff always went straight to my ego. The difference is that cake is worth it.

But you know what? Right now I like my own work more than ever, my clients seem happier than ever, and I’m learning to trust that this is more than enough — that this is actually what it’s all about.

Make stuff that makes you happy and just be happy with that happiness.

Making good art is more fulfilling than getting attention.

A photo that wins an award is just as good as it was the day before it won. A photo that doesn’t win an award is just as good as it was the day you decided you liked it enough to enter it.

Ego is the enemy.

I just genuinely wish someone had told me all that 10 years ago, which is why I’m telling you today!

Thanks for reading!

Adam

PS – This is a whole day late because every time I read it back it all just sounded massively narcissistic or felt like I was begging for some blog comments, or for you to reply and tell me you love my work and that Sony were douchebags for not making me an ambassador. I hope it doesn’t come across that way!